my ex-boyfriend sam (19m) of a few years has been my longest relationship (as iām still young). he ghosted me and i started to lose feelings for him. however, i still had hope.
he also āforgotā about me when he would give gifts to other people, wouldnāt mention me under āpeople he appreciatesā but would mention everyone else, and wouldnāt even tell people abt me.
due to all this, i started to question actually being a lesbian who was only into guys because of comphet.
however, last night, when he finally saw my messages (he doesnāt use social media a lot), he apologized and said he shouldāve done something other than ghost his gf. he agreed that we should break up, and said he was being this way due to mental health problems, and that if we got back together, heād be a better bf.
he explained he still had feelings for me and would love to still be friends.
thatās when i realized that i had genuine feelings for him that were still there, not just comphet. i always loved him and felt sad when it seemed he didnāt love me the same way.
i understand heās not ready for a relationship rn, and i think he should take his time. i also am not quite ready due to this being so recent and the fact that we havenāt done actual couple stuff in a while.
but after a while, when he gets better, hopefully weāll still have feelings and both be good partners (better than we were then). after all, even if the not including me thing isnāt an excuse, the ghosting was due to poor mental health which he canāt control.
so i guess iād also be biromantic with a preference for women.
i hope we can make this work >w<
Being in poor mental health isnāt an excuse for ghosting. Ghosting suggests he doesnāt value your wellbeing over his own: itās a pretty cruel thing to do to someone, and deeply selfish. Youāre still young. In your shoes, I think Iād explore other relationships before diving back into one with several red flags.
i also notice that although heās bi, heād only talk about hot men (especially fictional), wouldnāt mention me to other people, and would talk to me about his crushes as if we were just good friends. he would also try to make moves with some of them, presumably not telling them about me
It sounds like you already know the answer to your question :)
thanks ā¤ļø ig cuz itās so recent and i still harbor some old feelings, i feel like he can change
Never expect people to change for the better. It isnāt impossible, but it is unlikely without some kind of major event in their lives that they learn from.
Very much this. Iāve been happily married for 25 years and expect to be for at least 25 more, and the things that annoyed us about each other when we were dating still annoy us today. But we accept that those things are unlikely to change, and celebrate the stuff thatās great.
On top of that, guys donāt tend to mature until theyāre 21-25, but donāt start dating one whoās younger expecting him to change for the better; itās more likely the common things you enjoy will change but the odd habits will remain forever.
I agree. This is what he says:
People can change, but donāt put your life on hold waiting for that to happen. I canāt say for sure what kind of person this is since Iāve never met the guy, but I can tell you that you will be waiting a long time if he is behaving how you described. Communication is incredibly important as a foundation for a relationship, and ghosting indicates they wonāt be able to discuss things with you when things get really bad. This is a skill that is learned young and it is harder to learn it with age.
Let that flame die out and only let it be reignited if the person makes real effort to really talk to you.
Change isnāt necessarily impossible, but itās really difficult and requires a huge amount of self discipline - if someone changes, they will be a standout exception rather then the norm. I urge you to consider that someone who ghosts you likely does not value you enough to be willing or able to put in the effort to change. Ghosting is deeply rude to do to anyone, and especially toward your significant other.
Take my interpretation with a mountain of salt, because I donāt know the full story. But, from what you said, it seems more likely that he reached out to you because you were a convenient backup
Thatās a normal way to feel. Itās okay to still care about him, but it sounds to me like there are a lot of reasons to move on. Itās also probably the best way to help him grow up himself