NAMPA, ID—Expressing their dismay with yet another product overtaken by the liberal conspiracy to destroy traditional lifestyles, conservatives around the country reportedly began boycotting computers Friday after noticing their keyboards could be used to type the word “trans.” “These woke keyboards are attempting to force conservative fingers to type ‘trans,’ and I call on my fellow American patriots to destroy their computers immediately,” said local conservative man Bryce Whitten, adding that this was just another attempt by the global woke conspiracy to compel Americans to use the establishment alphabet. “I hate to think of the damage these anti-American computers have already done. I’ve used computers for years, but yesterday I found myself typing out the word ‘trans,’ and it hit me—this is an obvious effort by Marxist left-wing corporations like Apple and Microsoft, probably funded by George Soros, to make us type things we don’t want to type. They even have the T and R keys right next to each other to subliminally encourage innocent people to type ‘trans.’ I tried removing the T, R, A, N, and S keys, but then I realized I could still type ‘woke,’ and that was it for me. Who knows how deep into the alphabet this conspiracy goes. For Christ’s sake, they’re trying to market these computers to children! I urge my fellow conservatives to remove all computing devices with keyboards from their children’s hands so they can’t be groomed!” At press time, sources confirmed conservatives across the nation were trying to escape the woke conspiracy of left-wing letters by renouncing the English language entirely.