In a surprise move the Biden Campaign has announced that they will be abandoning Vice President Kamala Harris and replacing her with President Biden’s legally embattled son, Hunter. During a noontime press release on Sunday Biden campaign manager Julie Chávez Rodriguez explained:

“Recent polling numbers suggested that we needed a course correction in order to win in the upcoming November election. Polls have found that Vice President Harris has been underperforming amongst potential voters and, quite frankly, she’s cringe. We believe that Hunter will be key in courting the rich failson bloc that will be vital for success in the presidential race. Additionally, he is our only viable connection for a steady coke supply and we’re all jonesing for a hit right now. We are not taking questions at this time.”

Kamala Harris was pressed for comment as she was leaving an ALDI supermarket in Fort Wayne Indiana. In response she laughed while she pointed to a shopping bag she was carrying and said “Jalapeños! For ninety nine cents! Can you believe it?” before ducking into a waiting limousine.

Hunter Biden remarked “Holy s— I thought he was joking”