Hello,
this might sound like a lie or a Letter to Penthouse, but I’m in a situation I’ve never thought to get in and I’m just a bit flabbergasted on how to proceed.
EDIT: Since English is not my First language and I lack the skill to keep this coherent without names,
Let’s say my fiancé’s Name is Lara.
And the Name of the female friend of mine is Nami.
Everything started when Nami came to visit me and Lara to celebrate Lara’s Birthday with us and our friends. Since Nami lives on the other side of the country, she came to stay a whole week with us.
We live near the Beach, so we went there and spent the day. I still have no Idea how we started talking about this, but we started talking that I (m) had no Problem if Lara would kiss another Girl. The conversation continued and she said she would like to experiment with me and another Girl.
Since Nami is in an open relationship with her significant other, we started jokingly talking about this.
Last night, Lara and I talked even more about this. And we agreed that Nami would be the only person (at the moment) with whom we could even think about doing something like this. So because we are cowards and haven’t done anything like this ever, we send her a Text message. (She was literally across the hallway in our living room). She said she somewhat expected something like this and said she will think about it. To be clear, we just want to start slow and I see what is okay to do and what not.
Lara is demisexual, and Nami is also not opposed to Girls (I forgot the correct Terminology, sorry ._.).
I have literally NO Idea what might come and I could REALLY need some advice. Do I just keep rolling with it and see what happens? Or should I do something?
Please don’t give me any “Frat bro”-type of advice, I’m not a Chad or anything. I’m a chubby dude who somehow managed to get a beautiful girl to fall in Love with me. I had sex with only two women ever (multiple times, though), so I know how to have Sex but this would be a HUGE step out of my known territory.
I’ve known Nami for more than 10 years and had a long time crush on her.
And I love Lara with all my heart.
Think into the future: if you do something today, then what will be tomorrow?
I assume everybody wants to stay friends tomorrow. Is this more important than trying out things one time? Then act accordingly.
Talk about it openly. Start any action only if everybody is OK with it. If things are fun for 2 of you, but not for the third one, then it is better to stop.
said she will think about it
Honestly, most time when someone says that, it means “No, but I’m afraid to say it clearly”
I’m pretty sure things would not change that much. Nami is quite an open person about things like that. Afaik, she even done things like that in the past.
I’m not worried about what would happen afterwards, I’m more unsure what will happen before and during it.
Talk to Lara about your having a crush on Nami. Now, not later.
Why? I was like 13 when I had a crush on her. It passed and now I’m with Lara. I still think Nami is quite attractive and we are really close friends.
Relationships surviving opening are based on communication and openness, talk about everything now before you’re on the other side of it and doing damage control.
Naaaaah we are not opening or relationship!
Me & Lara just want to see how this would be and if it would be fun.
I’d argue that you can’t go through a door without opening it first, even if it’s only to let one person in temporarily. Just this one time would still entail opening the relationship, if only briefly. What if Lara really enjoyed it and wants to keep doing this? What if you don’t like it and Lara does, how do you go about that?
Questions I don’t need the answers to, but you and Lara absolutely do. Up front, not after the fact! Talk it out until there’s nothing left to talk about and then revisit all of the discussed points to make sure there are zero questions unanswered for all three of you. It can get real complicated real fast if anything is left up to the imagination and someone gets hurt.
Good luck!
The “open” part of open relationship means open communication. It is the most important part for it to work. If someone is not open about their feelings the other will catch on which might lead to confusion, insecurity and anger.
Well, if everyone is in agreement before it starts, things can be pretty easy.
any sexual encounter is a matter of negotiation, whether you do it before, or during. With a threesome, before is much better. You don’t want to get going with expectations of nami and you having vaginal intercourse, when she thinks the event will be her with lara, and you with lara.
Communication, communication, communication. Talk it out before you even agree to actually do it. If there’s going to be oral sex, everyone needs to know who they can and can’t do it with. Same with vaginal sex. Same with anal for dang sure.
You need to know ahead of time what things are absolutely off the list. And you need to agree on what happens if one person no longer wishes to continue. Yeah, it’s obvious that stop means stop, but does everyone retreat to another room, does everyone go home, etc. Part of that is making sure there’s a clear agreement on how to signal that there needs to be a pause, or a full stop. Doesn’t really matter what that sign is, it just has to be very clear.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to do all the talking up front. I have never particularly enjoyed threesomes, even when they went perfectly, but the only way to be certain they happen perfectly is for everyone to go in fully aware of what’s going to happen. Later on, if things go well as a threesome, you can worry about working in spontaneity. Your first group experience is just too important to roll dice with.
It really seems like the arrangement that’s going on is probably being thought of as the two ladies enjoying each other as the primary goal. I suspect that’s what they are both focused on, based on how you told the story. So be aware of that and make absolutely certain that’s okay with you, because it will be lara’s first time with a woman, and when that happens, it can be extremely difficult to work another person’s wants and needs into a single encounter. You may end up just watching, and that can be difficult to deal with.
Thank you! This is actually useful!
So we talked even more me & Lara and tbh. I would be totally fine with just watching. I don’t really like my appearance and would be absolutely fine just to watch both of them, because they are really beautiful! Nami is still sleeping so we will talk later.
But thank you! So many people don’t get that I don’t ask for advice IF I should do this. I ask for advice HOW I do this.
No worries :)
I hope it all goes well
Advice so very well considered and delivered.
I feel like I didn’t hear what YOU actually want. Does the idea sound enticing or does it fill you with dread?
And I definitely agree with others that you need to be 100% open and honest with your love about how you’ve felt about your friend in the past, because that can definitely be important to her. Basically, if you are thinking of excuses to rationalize not telling your partner something, there’s a good chance it’s the wrong thing to do.
I’m ready to try it. Like we said we go slow and see what is okay and what not.
I will not debate about IF I do this. This was not my question at all.
I want to know what might be useful to ask beforehand.
Well then I circle back to my advice being to discuss your past feelings as well as discuss rules for how to amicably put an end to the activities. And acknowledge the risk that something like this can absolutely end your relationship despite the best intentions and the best efforts at communicating.
If you had a crush on her then don’t do this.
It sounds like commonplace, but really communication is essential, between the two of you romantically, between the three of you as friends, and between the three of you as potential sexual partners.
There’s really a lot to talk about: a first lesbian experience (for me, my first gay sex was a stronger experience than my first threesome), jealousy, what you do if one of you feel bad during the experience, Nami being aware that you don’t like your body very much, your fears of damaging your romantic relationship, your respecutive fears of damaging a friendship, Nami’s possible fears of breaking up a couple, and so on
And for now, it’s not the practical aspect : how, when, everyone’s limits, who with who (will it be a true triangle, or one person with 2 partners), STD, contraception…
It took months (almost a year) for my significant other and I before starting to explore uncharted territories, and it didn’t even involve friends. Take your time to talk, even if it’s terrifying and remember that you don’t have to do anything rhis time before Nami leaves
In this particular situation, if the ladies are into each other, my strong suggestion is just to watch, let them be with each other unless your fiancee draws you in very explicitly. Let them lead, especially Lara if she is the slowest sexually and might get overwhelmed.
And think about it a lot - how will you feel if Lara responds more to Nami than she does with you?
It’s so hard to know before trying it. I don’t think it’s a bad idea, if you are all close and trust each other, I have enjoyed (the other sort of) threesome so much but with guys who got off seeing me with another guy. Is this how you feel? Are you turned on by the idea of someone else pleasuring Lara? Or do you just think if it’s a girl it doesn’t count in some way? I wouldn’t count on that feeling holding up under the pressure of actually seeing it.
