This charcuterie board fucks.
All that and not a single date to be found in the photo. Has bro never been to a grocery store?
Yeah they got McDonald’s chicken nuggets. Like dude, go get some Wendy’s. You’ve got nose spice so I know you understand how to be classy - now get your shit together.
Found Wendy’s Lemmy account
Yeah for fucks sake nothing wrong with McNuggets.
Except the price
And the taste when compared to Wendy’s.
Wendy’s chicken nuggets are vile, too. Chicken tenders are the only thing good. And Wendy’s doesn’t serve them anymore. Neither does McDonald’s. So… KFC wins.
And the taste.
Condom lube on my cheese board doesn’t sound appetizing
It’s flavored
Its cheese flavored.
It is now.
Well in that case…
These ribbed condoms don’t taste anything like ribs!
Three condoms? My, we’re young and frisky, aren’t we?
They are unwrapped and sitting pretty close to some meat and cheese. Feels like that’s just asking for disrupting vaginal health balance. Plus I’d be suspicious of holes poked in the condoms. Unwrapping them is such a weird thing to do.
Frist of all, why are there condoms in the food second why are there 3 of them?
One for the shaft and one for each testicle
Duh … we all learned this in sex ed
Exactly. My balls secrete sperm like a maple tree. Don’t yours?
Do you regularly cut your balls then?
When they’re in season
Right after saying “I can do the sex good!”
The only question is, one at a time, or all at once?
That depends.
39 and under crowd - “Wanna go again?”
40 and over crowd - “I’m going to need at least that many breaks.”
Everything looks good here, perfect date. Wait, except… is that… unground coffee beans? What the fuck?
Espresso beans are delicious especially in dark chocolate.
I’d eat those, but the proximity to cocaine is a bit concerning.
You’d leave the cocaine on the board?
Mix it up. Call it the morning special.
I thought they were rasins, but not sure.
WHERE are the motherfucking CHEESE BALLS?!
After enough coke everyone has cheese balls.
I can’t wait to put your Sweady balls in my mouth.
you dip the chicken nuggets in whiskey and then roll them in cocaine for a nice speedy schnitzel
That is going to taste so bitter, my tongue just dried up from thinking of it
That’s why there’s bbq sauce.
Add a gun and some bullets and call it the Hunter S. Thompson Special.
Needs more grapefruit.
Wake up. First Chival Royale of the day.
I love the gummy taste of condoms with my Brie and crackers
The straight whole coffee beans. 🤣
Ngl I’ve munched coffee beans before. There’s chocolate covered whole coffee beans, so why not eat them without the chocolate too?
Because without the chocolate, it’s like eating slightly burnt coffee flavoured sand. I eat them all the time because I have a fucking problem, but I don’t enjoy it.
Is there a name for this problem? I’m imagining you sitting with a bowl of beans looking miserable, shaking your head and muttering, “damn beans”
End stage caffeine addiction. A terrible illness
4th stage is where it’s at
Anemia, pica
Genetic fast metaboliser of caffeine. Need more caffeine to have an effect and more prone to addiction. I decided once to drink espresso until I got the shakes. I needed 12 shots.
Eating beans seems terribly inefficient though. Eating the 30g of beans in a cup of coffee or a shot of espresso for example would be quite the snack. Water extraction of caffeine is highly efficient so you aren’t leaving a lot behind from coffee / espresso either.
Have you tried Guarana pills or slow release caffeine pills? No data, but I’ve found Guarana to be a less jolty longer lasting than most forms of caffeine
To be clear, I’m eating them along side a quad espresso, not instead of it. Pretty sure guarana pils aren’t available where I live, and the only caffeine pills available are weak and expensive.
I eat them all the time because I have a fucking problem, but I don’t enjoy it.
Aah, like salmiakki (salty licorice). Tastes terrible, but I just can’t stop eating them.
Wtf salmiakki tastes great you heathen
Are those… lol coffee beans?!
crumchy
What order is this meant to be in?
Well after you do the drugs, it doesn’t really matter
To start off, put the gummi worms in a shaker, shake, collect the sour dust, snort.
Next, add the whiskey to the shaker, set aside
Dunk the bread in the McNuggies sauce, sprinkle on cocaine to taste.
Add weed, thin crackers and coffee beans to grinder, grind thoroughly. Take the brie and your ground up spices, work them into each other as if you were making meatballs.
Eat this raw.
Ok, now vomit into the condoms.
Now that the appetizer is done with, grab handfulls of the other cheeses, salami, prosciutto and McNuggies, and just stuff it into your face as if you were eating popcorn.
Now that you’ve been thoroughly fucked by this culinary experience, finish it off with the drink you set aside earlier, which should hopefully be a lovely semi congealed glass of gummi whiskey.
Awful, would laugh at you on a date. Better than most.
Hey, I’ll take it haha!
Unfortunately my default joke state is basically dad jokes and puns, but my life has been so utterly absurd that I can basically just reference some insane nonsense that’s happened to me in the past somewhat indirectly, and most people just think I’m creatively making a joke.
In seriousness, I have found that more conventional charcuterie boards are a pretty cost effective, while also decently fancy first kind of at someone’s place date, if presented well.
I’ve done this multiple times and it has worked every time, and almost every time I’ll be told this is extremely adorable and no one has ever done this for them…
…Then I find out, a year or two or three into the relationship, oh god, this person I love is extremely abusive, takes me for granted, and is astoundingly irresponsible.
So I guess just hand me both of those whiskeys, neat, please.
Where are the dates?
Bro’s got a baseball bat and an image analyzer from a NOAA satellite, and all he had to do was buy a package of dates from the grocery and take a pic of one.